I know, and I agree, the time for good-bye is past, but I still need somebody. I still need that person I set out to find. I realize it was a mistake to try to be there for her, but I still need somebody there for me. I see the irony, and I cry for the irony that I have to force support from the person that has damaged so greatly because there truly is nobody else. I get these words. These words don’t fix, they don’t make better. I really need somebody, and unbelievably, I need that person I need to tell “fuck-off” until that day comes I can fuck-off.

I never sought forever, I never wanted permanence, but I am in a real fucked internal place, and I need help. I can’t ask, I can’t talk, I can’t beg, but I need help.

I lost. I payed. I was scarred. I don’t know what to live for, I can’t a find a reason to live. All I can do is turn to the one with the latest knife and beg, “Please help me. Please help me.”

There is never going to be that partner. There is never going to be that person by my side. I know there will never be a time I’m not alone. I will never feel beyond this isolation. I still need help, I still need somebody. I will never be okay as long as I need anybody in any way, but I can’t fight alone.

Please be there somebody.

I’m looking for that motivation. Everyday I try to find to strength to go from waking to sleeping stuck in my head alone. Everyday I’m hoping that doorbell will ring and there will be somebody to sit with me for a bit. Everyday I am hoping there is somebody to offer me a quiet moment to allow me out of the cell of my thoughts. I’m trying day-by-day, step-by-step, but I’m so tired, I’m exhausted. I am begging for help as loud as I can, and I can’t understand why the people I’ve been there for, that promised to be there for me, aren’t. I tried so hard to be supportive when I was standing on empty air. I tried so hard to show I deserve to have somebody keep me from falling too. I’m trying to find help. I’m trying to find a friend I can lean on, I’m trying to find somebody that can sit in my world and let me know I do live in a good world, I am a good person. After everything, I still can’t understand why I can’t get anybody to take the time to hold my hand so the tears don’t have to fall, so I don’t have to beg the emptiness for help.

Everyday I truly am trying beyond belief to be okay with myself again. I’m just so tired.

Ah!

The power of Human Emotion!

Okay, I get so much of this is bullshit. I get so many of these emotions are over-blown. After all, what else would I expect? Follow the same ole story line, of the ending would be the same. Just recently having the excuse to glance at some old writing, and this was a theme of one of those poems I randomly looked at. But this time it is different. This time I understand more, I know more, I’ve seen more. In this third chapter of this volume of my life, I am noticing a new change, new growth, new improvement. I am writing in whole sentences. The short stanzas, the struggling for the beat of sorts isn’t enough any more. I am able, I am needing to turn my emotions into whole sentences. I am telling you, for me that is amazing. That gives me true hope that someday I can put this massive pain carried in my heart into a coherent format so I can release and be free.

I want nothing more then a friend, but that doesn’t make the bruises less painful. There isn’t anything I want more in a friend, then shedding the puddles of our failures by each others side. There isn’t anything more I want in a friend then that companion that is willing to battle gravity, that can thrive in that pain of growth as less and less can maintain a hold on us. We all now how it is to want, so for now I settle for love and the obituary on hand and ready.